a streetcar named desire

i sometimes question things in my life when i'm cranky..

i used to whine a lot. it's getting less now that i am married, like wiseman says that marriage is letting go a part of your ego - hell freezes i cool down a lot.

well, still there are times when PMS strikes, when i incorrectly deduced how hubby got a bit cold to me and  it drove me mad because i was used to be pampered, i complained that he has changed - and after strings of unreasonable madness and crankiness he hugged me tight and told me that those thoughts are only in my head. ummhhh...now that i think about it it was more of an act of shame and paranoia. amazing how he can work out with it.

anyway hubby was off for some duties in two days, which was why I wrote this post. i had the episode and i have no one to calm me down, yeah?

i just stumbled into a junior high senior's blog today. he is living large...with passion. he is living his dream, a job with which he's very successful. i don't think he's married yet but there's really nothing to be ashamed of it.

you can see the point. this kind of curiosity used to bring me to tears. i look back on that day when i had two options in life and wish i could start it over and choose the opposite. had i known my decision would bring me pain in the future. you know, i kinda used to blame my parents for this, for letting me make a big decision without considering my capability of it. now that i think about it - that was them believing in me - giving me a responsibility they were sure i could take care of; maybe they just didn't notice that their little girl is indeed very little - i left home at the age of 14, that was more than 7 years ago.

there are days when i endlessly cried for help though, slept with a weight on my shoulder and didn't tell anyone of this because...i kinda have to be mature, right? so i slept in tears, waited on the world to change and acted like no shits happened in the next morning.

and just that, i realized i have lost the passion along the way. i only followed the given path, didn't give a shit to any particular thing.

since when? i don't know - maybe when i was still in prep school, maybe when i was on my 2nd year of working. it's just gone - i'm not very much interested in everything aside from having fun - because that's what i'm lacking for the past years. 
i had a chance to pursue a degree...but i dumped it. for a certain amount of time...even for routines, i was too tired of doing what i should. i took "a gap year" between studies...5 years to be exact. and even though i was doing every kind of shameful acts during that time - i was, at least, happy. i enjoyed my youth, i lived the day i was young and free, i played around and had fun. 
i fell in love, i cheated, i was dumped, i became someone's mistress, i fell in poverty, i was robbed, i watched theatres, went overseas, got a karaoke diva out of me, fell in love, and as a surprising turn of events, i got married.

and that's when i rediscovered my passion. 

no, probably not from the marriage blings, but from the entire conspiration of universe to build my happiness. i might realize that all this time i was not being happy. i felt that i was being forced to be someone that i am not, something that i am not sure of. and although the five years i've spent carelessly people see as a miserable act - that's a part i wouldn't regret. i also met my other half, the one who treasure me in the option i chose back then (although i sometimes tease him with "what if i was supposed to marry a rich banker in another life??" - okay, bad wife that i am -__- )

but here's the thing i got to learn.

there's a silver lining at the end of storm.

(really, you never learnt of it before?)

i did learn, but never really saw one...until one day things look perfectly crystal clear. it just happened you know, one day you woke up in the morning and "aha!" life suddenly feels lighter.

and i question myself, why didn't i notice this before?

perhaps that remains a mystery..of how you gotta spend 5 careless years of rain just to see the rainbow. but even though i learned it the hard way, life just gives me a valuable lesson..

maybe marriage has something to do with it, having the extra shoulder to help carry your burden, but somehow it's a happy ending...before moving to another book.