it's finally my turn - the moment when you have such a dearly beloved popped up a question some girls are dying to hear. for this i should be grateful because i don't have to wait that long, you always have that kind of girl friend who has been in a relationship for years, has been single for years, has changed partners a zillion times, or simply cannot make up her mind whether he is the right man or not, or whether she can commit to lifelong bond.
well, i am the latter. and even when i said yes to the question my mind's filled with more and more doubts. not to the man i choose to spend my life with - but to myself, the one who has decided to marry and still think about things. who the fuck will i be? a someone's wife? like... reeeaaallyyy??
oh Lord have some mercy on me, i am a young girl, a 20-year old volatile bitchy/stingy/whiny/fussy/messy one - and yes i hope that is a 'pick one out of the options'. i'm a bad cook, i have a lousy fashion style, my kind of entertainment consists of going to karaoke club or a cinema and watching footie while snacking at the weekend, i eat a lot but still worry about weight gain, and i should have written about how happy i am to be engaged but blog about this in a nonchalant manner instead!!! i'm such a 180 to the wife material every man fantasize.
you see it's not about the commitment that i fear the most. it's about preparation, and i'm always afraid i cannot live up to my own expectation.
i watch this movie, Test Pack, in a cinema a few days ago with a friend. not a great movie, but the idea of whole package of marriage suits mine.
why do you get married? because i've found a man who complete me, whom being with him i find happiness and strength, whom i love to the bones and meats i'm so ready to spend my future with. that man, is the reason.
the film itself focuses on how marriage goes on without kids. a husband left his pretty wife because she's infertile, and upon her visit to obgyn who recommends her to find second opinion she sadly states: "your opinion alone is enough. what i need is a man who will accept the fact." back to back we were shown a scene when a man talked to his then-wife in their wedding. something about 'apa adanya kamu sudah melengkapi hidup saya' then off to a scene when she finds out his infertility. shocked and heart-broken, the wife is.
i was almost broke into tears (wait, you read it right, ALMOST)..because that's what i was also worrying. the fertility, the wife material thingy, the life after the marriage, career and family... i have a sensitive heart.... you read it right too. of every man i have ever loved and been in a relationship with i only ask a single question: "don't you love me just the way i am? if you expect to be no longer around you better say." but marriage is to tie the knots - you cannot just leave. i want myself to look back every now and then to the day when we're only two fools - this is why i write.
i worry too much, it explains why my hair falls rapidly.
or maybe i should bring my boyfriend to the movie and pray his heart will be touched and doesn't realize my brainwashing mission. hahahaha. geez, okay, not a fabulous ending to this should-be-heartbreaking blog.
anyway i am happy through and through. this will be a tough journey to begin, but why do you even want to start one? ah, you have your very own answer....
