"i don't know how to say this correctly...but i should..."
"then just say.."
"you gotta hate me for this..i know.."
"so why hesitate? you have prepared yourself for the worst, haven't you?"
"hey..why are you so.. *sigh* fine, i met someone else.."
"..and you think she's the one. oh, of course i know."
"you know? how? did anyone tell you?"
"oh come on. for the last three months you've been very much out of reach. you didn't call me very often no more, hung up my call at certain times ,and didn't reply my text. you forgot your promises over and over again and blamed it on your freaking study!"
"why didn't you break up with me anyway?"
"i'm waiting for you, from the very first hand, to stand up and tell me right away, you jerk! and it took you such a long time to do that!"
"but you could just do it any time."
"and it's enough of a proof to tell me how coward you are. i need no formality or long goodbye, if that's what you intend to. thank you for calling."
that is how it was supposed to be that day, 3 years ago. everytime i look back on the day when i should say "of course i know..." i can't help but hold my fist. you never did know that i was burst into tears later on, right? that i never ever figured out before that you were betraying me. that i was too angry to listen to any of your words so i hung up the phone so sudden. that i never thought it would happen. that i just couldn't stop thinking how naive i was.
i wonder if you ever thought of me like i did back then. i wonder if you ever loved me as much as i did. because if you did, you would find it hard to let me go, wouldn't you? but you didn't.. it all seemed too easy. i recall the time when we had this daily nonsensical conversation late at night, made some laughable stories and imagined things like wild creatures, aliens, UFOs... oh how good you were at words. i commanded myself to stop staring and waiting for anything from you popping up my screen, thus encouraged myself so hard not to reply your text and return your calls.
but then again... i remember you sang Hey There Delilah to me on the phone when i first arrived in Jakarta. your singing that mostly sucks big time all of a sudden sounded good. i don't know why, and i had no idea what song it was, so i just said 'thank you, it was good'. i didn't lie, you know. it hit me at the right place, being for the numerous times far away from you i found it comforting, consoling, and i felt loved by you. blimey, i never thought it would be the last time.
"after all you put me through, you'd think i'd despise you. but in the end i wanna thank you, cause you've made me that much stronger..."
few days ago, i don't know from whom you got my cellphone number since i was too surprised to hear from you again. finally, after all these years we both talked and shared several stories, and by the way you spoke, you sounded a bit nervous. i don't feel anything at all, if you believe. i've lost that kinda feeling so long ago - in fact, the thing that we did back then only reminds me of the innocence of my youth - i am so glad, and well, you should :)
